Kids With Special Needs are NOT Given to Special People
I have had the pleasure of being a momma to a child with special needs for seven and a half years, my dear Connor. In these amazing seven and a half years, I have done everything possible to give my child who has multiple complex medical needs the best life imaginable. I have fought doctors on what I knew was best for him, marched the front steps at the State Capital rallying for his rights, and even traveled around the world seeking treatment to give him a better quality of life. To say I’m a “momma bear” is an complete understatement.
In all these years I have heard from family, friends, and strangers about what a great job I am doing raising my Connor man. I look down, shift my feet around, and quietly say thank you. Then the dreaded words are said. “God only gives special kids to special people.” I kindly smile on the outside, but on the inside I scream. I HATE that saying. I KNOW that these sweet people only have the most genuine thoughts behind this, but they need to know the truth-God can give anyone, YES ANYONE, a child with special needs.
I am not special. I am not more deserving of a little miracle child more than the next momma. I am not that parent that goes to all the class parties with homemade cupcakes, makes the latest Pinterest project on organizing my laundry room, or even the parent who remembers to sign the test folder every Tuesday evening. Nope, that is not me. I am ordinary and boring. I am late to doctors appointments, I yell at drivers who don’t use their blinkers, and I cringe when I see other moms at Target with their buggies full of organic foods and their well-behaved kids sweetly following behind. Agh! But I do know one thing, I am a parent. I, like millions of other women, was so graciously given a child from God. My child just so happened to be born with special needs.
The feelings you encounter when finding out the news your perfect child isn’t so perfect is astounding. One can wallow in self pity, hate God for “doing” this to their child, and just accept that life for that precious child will be less than good. OR one can seek the good in a not so pleasant situation, find a greater faith in God, and never accept anything less than perfect for their little miracle. It is all in a matter of thinking. Having a child with any special need at all takes a strong person, and if you aren’t strong at first, you must start lifting the emotional weights that life will be throwing at you. How you take on the responsibilities of this new life will ultimately determine what type of parent you will be.
We’ve all heard that saying, “God will never give you more than you can handle.” I call that BS. My God is a loving God, but a challenging one. He wants to see me thrive and grow into the person that I was meant to be. Challenges along the way are all a part of the journey He has created for me, how I deal with them is up to me. God WILL give me more than I can handle, BUT He guides me and gives me the grace to encounter them.
In the past month I have read 6 news articles on parents of children with special needs who have done horrendous, mind blowing things to them. One mother poured perfume down her child’s feeding tube, another parent killed his oh so special child because he wouldn’t stop crying, and on and on. Now please tell me again, God only gives special kids to special parents? Ummmm…no thank you. It’s a sweet thought, but it’s just not true. I would hate to even think for one second that I could be put in the same category as any of these parents. God gives us gifts in the form of our beautiful children, special or not. He expects us to take care of them, love them, and protect them.
I consider it a blessing to have my beautiful Connor. I’m thankful every single day for being able to raise such a precious miracle, BUT not every parent is like me. When you are given a child with needs that are far greater than you can imagine, you must rise to the challenge and become the parent that the child needs and whose life depends on it. It will be a tough, long road full of pot holes and dangerous curves trying to throw you off course.
The next time you see a parent with a child with special needs doing a wicked awesome job tell them exactly that. A simple, “Hey little momma, you are doing a crazy amazing job raising that precious child of yours!” or even “Wow!! I could only hope there are more parents like you out there!” or how about “You and your child are a match made in Heaven!” For most of us parents in the special needs world KNOW that our child is a blessing, however we could most definitely use a kind word telling us that perhaps we are a blessing also.
Loooovvvveeee this Katie!
Thank you so much for these words! They so sound like my husband. He is the eprimary caregiver to youngest with special needs. He too responds with “Just doing what I should be doing” when people compliment his care of her. His faith in God is his source.
Thanks again from a “not so special family.”
Bravo! Well said my dear!! I am new (9months new) to this club and you hit the nail on the head! I have heard the same things and thought the same thoughts but I absolutely love the “start lifting the emotional weights” line oh so true!! God bless you and you amazing family! Thanks for the inspirational words!!
Aimee
Katie, As a former Special Needs mother myself (MY Connor – seriously, same name – passed earlier this year) I must tell you how eerie it is to read this posting. I wrote a very similar one about 2 months ago regarding the fact that I don’t believe for a second that God “gave” me my son because I was strong enough to handle all the extras that come along with special needs. Good luck to you, and your Connor, and much love. I know you are strong, and when you feel that you aren’t, you already know where to go to draw the strength you need.
Colleen
Seriously….thank you for saying what I have been screaming for 2 years…. God does not create genetic disorders, mistakes in nature happen, and does not “pick” parents! Every time someone says “You were chosen” I want to say, ‘that’s just an excuse for you to think you couldn’t possibly be handed one of these little one’s’…you’re not strong enough. But the truth is these precious one’s, like my son, also a tubie, is making me stronger day by day. But with all the love and passion in the world for him I am tired, and strained, and overwrought, and yet always finding joy in what the Lord has in store for me when I am least expecting it! God delights in good things, and hurts with us when we hurt, and when we hurt for our children who go through things we would have never chosen for them in our wildest imagination!
Love this!:)
Thanks for a great article….I agree …God does give us what we cannot handle…I am reminded daily how much He helps me handle…and sometimes when I see teenage girls I believe I deal with my daughter much better than I probaably would deal with a typical one. Lol
ask anyone, I am the “strongest, toughest mom to a special needs kid” that you will ever encounter. What they don’t know? That after 13 years of raising him, a divorce, lack of family support, I was almost one of the moms above. There was a moment, when Nebraska established a safe haven law, that there was a loophole. It wasn’t just for newborns, but for kids of all ages. At one point, I literally had his things packed. I was a crazed, exhausted mom who had done too much for too long. My hair was, literally, falling out. I was anxious yet exhausted. Suffering from PTSD from raising a child who keeps trying to die on me. I was jumpy and tired all at the same time. We didn’t go to Nebraska that day, but that day, I decided that the only way he would get help would be for me to no longer be here. That way, he’s going to be taken care of by the state. My family couldn’t watch him, he’s too much for them, his deadbeat dad remarried and had “healthy” boys and no longer contacted us. Do you have any idea how terrifying it is to think that suicide is the only way to get the help you need? And how scary it was, when I thought that and it made PERFECT sense?? So, no, God doesn’t only give you what you can handle. Sometimes, it’s all just too much. Moms killing special needs kids, killing themselves…
What did happen, once I regained some composure, was I hired an attorney to sue the state for refusing to place him in a group home. He’s there now. He’s 20 years old and I am happy and healthy and so is he. He has full time caregivers (funny how it takes a TEAM to do what we do alone) and when we see each other now, I’m not a crazed lunatic.
I met a woman, years ago, when my son was..idk..2 maybe? 3? she had a special needs son. She told me “honey. It only gets harder”. I truly thought “there is NO way it gets harder than this”. Wow. Does it ever. Planning for adulthood and what happens next. Point is, it’s not hopeless, but think about these things now. Don’t wind up despondent with no where to turn and start thinking thoughts that you would have never thought imaginable. So, is this the hardest job you’ll ever have? you bet. Are there ways to deal with it? absolutely.
I couldn’t have said it better! Hate when I am told I was chosen for my 19 yo son with genetic disorder Canavan. Ironically I was a liason to the pediatric neurology clinic for a short while after my child psychiatry training. we do what we need to do, and as you noted, not everyone is up to the challenge. AND it is a challenge
For you to write something so beautiful, Katie, means a lot.
Understand that not many people truly appreciate the grace of God in their lives.
Continuing to give Connor the love and support that you do is so inspiring…
Katie, it really is incredible what you’ve done with what God gave you.
God bless Connor and the wonderful parents he has been blessed with.
Of course, words don’t mean much coming from people who haven’t experienced what you have…
Don’t let that discourage you. People truly care, and people want to express their faith and love.