Not By Choice
Most girls grow up dreaming of becoming a wife and then a mother. It’s how society programs us. Wanting to emulate our moms, we grew up “playing house” and carried around dolls in preparation for when we would become a mom. I’m no different than most girls. I always dreamed, hoped and wanted to be a wife and then a mother.
What life didn’t prepare me for was becoming just a mother. I never in my life thought I would be a mother and not a wife. And, it’s hard. It’s harder than I imagined.
Outside of the obvious financial strain, the mental load is the most taxing. Having to always be “on” without a moment to myself is what affects me most. My usual days are wake up, daycare drop-off, work, daycare pickup, play for a few minutes while dinner is starting, bath and bedtime routine, and then finally sleep. I wish I had the luxury of having a partner to take one of these tasks off my list. Because laundry isn’t done yet, dishes need to be washed, groceries need to be shopped for and ordered, and the list goes on and on. Having to be “everything” is exhausting.
Then as your child grows and is involved in activities and school, the mom guilt overtakes you. You begin to see how different your life is from friends and associates.
Dads are doing the daycare/school drop-offs, they are the coach of your kid’s tee-ball team, you may get letters from school addressed to “Mr. and Mrs.” If I’m being completely honest, jealousy and envy begin to take over. You see all of the TikTok videos and reels about moms falling more in love with their husbands because of how great of a dad they are.
And here I am, wondering who is going to accompany my child to daddy/daughter events, even though these events are years from now.
Jealousy turns to sadness because you wonder how it will affect your child. You start to feel guilty for your child not having their father as active in her life as you’d expected. Will my kid’s dad ever be her tee ball coach? Will her dad even show up to Donuts with Dad? Do I need to invite my brother, my dad or my cousin in place of her dad? These thoughts are in my mind always, throughout the day.
I’ve spent a lot of time complaining about the life we have currently, but this is our life. With the help from my therapist, I am slowly becoming okay with choosing to enjoy life being just us two, for now.
I get to see my child’s face light up seeing me every day at daycare pickup. I get to be there for all of “the firsts.” Saying that I get to do all of these things helps fill the void; as opposed to saying “I have to do it alone.” It’s also very empowering. Knowing that I am capable.
I feel this………it is hard, but the blessings are definitely there.
Breanna, girl you are not alone. Today was my son birthday party and having to pay for everything, decorate, orchestrate, invite everyone and serve with the help of my sister and brother. His dad shows up and he is the hero. But to see the smile on his face gives me the reward that I need to know that we will be alright.