So you’re expecting a baby? Congratulations! I’m sure you’ve already been told all the advice the world has to offer on diapers, feeding, and sleep habits so this guide will skip over all of that and move to the more important stuff that people tend to skip. This is more long-lasting tips so that you can take your parenting level to expert before your baby even comes. Enjoy!
First step: Vocabulary
- Stop introducing yourself by your first name. It no longer exists. From here on out, you are somebody’s mom. Go ahead and start practicing!
- Replace the phrase “going to the restroom” with “going potty.” You will, in fact, find yourself telling another adult that you need “to go potty” so go ahead and get that awkwardness out of the way ASAP. Just embrace it.
- Find some interesting replacements for all your favorite curse words. Ten months from now when you manage to censor yourself and instead yell, “SHAVING CREAM!” you can thank me.
Second step: Habits
- Pick a Disney movie. Any recent Disney movie. Watch it every day until you quote the entire thing without missing a beat. Continue to watch movie daily for the next year.
- Want an Oreo, a Snickers bar, or something else delicious? Find somewhere in your house that you can eat it without anyone seeing you. Be aware, though, that nothing will get your kids running to you like the sound of a candy wrapper.
- Practice your angry face and choice words to say to the delivery man if he dares to ring the bell or knock (SHAVING CREAM!). It doesn’t really matter what time of day. It will always be the wrong time and making that extra noise will soon be considered a federal offense.
- Start hoarding crayons at restaurants because you never know when you may need them (I realize this will be difficult if you do not have a child in tow, but so much the better).
- Get a purse about double the size of whatever you carry now. Fill it full of bricks. Consider it strength training for all of the stuff you will soon be carrying around with you pretty much everywhere.
Third step: Transportation
- Begin getting ready to leave an extra hour before you need to. Still arrive late. Blame it on someone needing to pee. Also you used the wrong sippy cup, so obviously have to turn around.
- Go shopping for a minivan. Cry over your lost youth.
- Your sweet ride needs some decorating to indicate that it is now a mom-mobile. Make confetti out of stale Cheerios, animal cracker crumbs, and raisins. Treat it like you do confetti and throw it all around the inside of the car. Done.
- The only acceptable music while traveling is the soundtrack to the aforementioned Disney movie which you have memorized.
So there you have it. How to be a parent. “What can I say … except ‘You’re welcome’?”
