Surviving the Holidays After the Loss of a Matriarch
The holidays are often described as the most beautiful time of the year, but for those grieving the loss of a loved one, they can also be the most challenging. This is especially true when that loved one was the family’s matriarch, who orchestrated the magic, held the traditions, and united everyone under one roof. For me, that loss came in December 2018 when my mother-in-law passed away suddenly from a massive heart attack. She was the heart of the family, and losing her left an immeasurable void that we all still feel today.
The Year Everything Changed
2018 was a whirlwind of emotion. My son Colston had just spent his first year lovingly cared for by his grandmother while I worked in radio programming. She was his second home, and her presence was a constant source of comfort for all of us. That Christmas season, I was carrying twins, already mentally and physically exhausted from a complicated pregnancy. On top of that, my mother was diagnosed with cancer, compounding the weight of the season.
Her passing felt unreal, especially during a time of year when her home was the epicenter of joy, warmth, and laughter. We were settling into the rhythm of her traditions when it all came to an abrupt halt. That first Christmas without her felt fragmented, a puzzle with critical pieces missing.
A Family Transformed
When the matriarch of a family is gone, the structure changes. She was the glue who made the phone calls, cooked the meals, and gathered us all under one roof. Without her, it wasn’t just Christmas dinner plans that fell apart—it was the togetherness. Over time, we all created our traditions with our families, but the absence of her leadership remains palpable.
The siblings don’t gather on Christmas Day anymore. I can no longer pick up the phone to ask her what side dish to bring or chat about the quirks of holiday prep. These small things feel like tiny heartbreaks, reminders of her enduring influence and how much we miss her presence.
Time Heals, But the Grief Remains
Five years later, I can say that time has helped. The sharpness of grief has softened, but the ache never truly disappears. The holidays amplify it—a bittersweet combination of cherished memories and the longing for what once was. It’s an unfillable gap that reminds us of our love and the love we still carry for her.
Surviving the Holidays When There’s a Gap
- Acknowledge the Absence: Pretending the void doesn’t exist can make it harder. Share stories, toast to their memory, or create a small ritual in their honor. It’s okay to feel sad while celebrating.
- Adapt and Create New Traditions: While it’s hard to move on, finding ways to incorporate their memory into new traditions can be healing. A favorite recipe, a holiday decoration they loved, or even a moment of quiet reflection can keep them close.
- Lean on Each Other: Grief often isolates, but the holidays can be a time to reconnect with those who share your loss. A heartfelt call or shared memory can provide comfort even if the family isn’t under one roof.
- Give Yourself Grace: The holidays come with pressure to be cheerful and festive, but it’s okay to take a step back and feel the grief—balance joy with moments of self-care and reflection.
The holidays will never be the same without her, and that’s okay. Her legacy is in every dish we cook, every tradition we carry forward, and every memory we hold. While time helps us navigate the seasons, a piece of her will always be woven into the fabric of our holidays. And maybe that’s the greatest gift of all.
