The Elephant In The Closet…There’s One In Every Family But No One Talks About It….
I stay back, I tell everyone I don’t know how you are. I tell them I stay away for my mental health. My heart has a gaping hole, and I don’t know that it will ever be filled. I immediately go to your defense when someone back handily asks how you are because I can see the judgement in their eyes, hear it in their voice and I can almost palpate the joy they have because they have someone else to talk about and this time, it’s not their elephant.
Every time, I say it won’t happen again. Every time, I say I won’t let you back in. Every time, I say I won’t trust you. Every time, I say I’m not getting too close. I start by answering a simple text message and I answer with disdain and distrust because I’m not falling for it again! 
Then one answer turns into two and then three. Before I even realize it, we are catching up and you hand out apologies and I of course hand out Grace, because maybe this time you mean it, at least that’s what I tell myself. Then in comes a glimmer of hope, a glimmer of change, a glimmer of love. I open my heart just a tiny bit (which is what I tell myself-but it’s a lot). I open my mind to change, I open my heart to hope and love. But the ending is always the same…
The one thing that remains constant-my prayers for you.
The prayers I hold so deep and close to my heart. The prayers that bruise me to my very soul. The prayers that leave scar tissue on my mind and on my heart. The prayers that give me the hope, the grace and the love and the FAITH that one day there will be change. Those are always the constant pulse of my being. And every time, things end with you gone and me shocked that it happened again, wondering why I am feeling this way because I didn’t care, I didn’t get too close, I didn’t let you back in…but then I realize, I did. I did all those things against my better judgement, I let my heart lead me, I let the void close without even realizing it and I end up devastated, embarrassed, angry, betrayed and shook to my very core. I end up with that gaping hole, the one that literally takes my breath away. I end up picking up the shattered glass, trying not to get cut. Standing up to the pressure to make the right choices. Holding the sole responsibility of caring for our loved ones and giving them an ear or a shoulder to cry on, assuring them that THEY did nothing wrong. This is a choice that you make and you are the only one that can change it. It’s not fair. None of this is fair, for any of us. This can’t be the life you want, it’s definitely not the one I want for you.
I lay down, flood the Heavens with my tears and I pray those prayers that I know are being heard and I pray that God can soften your heart one day and lead you to Him. I always lean on a song by Big Daddy Weave called “Redeemed-“to comfort me. It hits so hard every time, I sob and pray while I listen to the words to mend my broken heart because I hope with every fiber of my being that one day you are redeemed and that you feel it in your soul, in your heart. I pray that God helps you shake off your heavy chains and wipe away every stain and one day you’ll have a new life with a new name and you won’t be the same because one day you will be WHOLE through HIM and I pray that day happens before it’s too late.
And when your time comes, I pray that you truly know Our maker and that He will make you whole again and save you from all of your demons. That He will allow you to rest in eternal peace with Him. Free…finally free…
