The Postpartum Ride Home From The Hospital
Most moms remember the ride home from the hospital as a beautiful experience.
The nurse wheels you wheel you to the car, you put the baby in the car seat and climb into the backseat with your little one. You and your husband are gushing over the newborn scrunch and looking forward to the cuddles once you get home. You all may talk about sharing roles of washing bottles, changing diapers, etc.
Leaving the hospital was different for me. I can laugh about it now but it was very much a reality check for me.
I was scared to leave the hospital.
I stayed in the hospital for almost a week. We didn’t have any complications, it just worked out that way. I was induced on Monday morning but I didn’t give birth until Wednesday around midnight. I was in labor about 42 hours but I was able to have a “natural” birth. Huge shout out to my OBGYN Dr. Lewis for letting my body work!
I was given the option to leave Thursday but my mom wasn’t able to drive me home until Friday, so I opted – well, I had to stay another night. So, I had two full days of nurses checking on me and my baby. I enjoyed the room service and being able to 100% focus on my baby.
When the nurse wheeled us out, the car seat straps were too tight. Yes, I went to the State Police office and they installed it; but I didn’t think to get the straps checked. Here we are in the September heat trying to figure out how to get the straps loose. I’m holding the baby but trying to direct my mom on what to do. I guess we were taking too much time because the nurse told us she had to get back up and transport another mom.
That’s when it clicked, once I got home it would just me and my baby.
I gave the baby to my mom to hold while I looked up installation tutorials on YouTube. I’m barely two days postpartum climbing in the backseat of my car fumbling with the straps. Eventually, we figured it out and my mom drove us home. Just reminiscing on this, I know we looked crazy!
Once we got home, it hit me again – I’m actually a mom.
I’m the one who is responsible for this tiny human that will grow into an adult. I was worried about “messing her up” and failing as a parent. I already had a tremendous amount of guilt being a single mom. And now I have to make sure my baby grows up and is a positive influence into the world. I have to make sure she grows up and is a good person with good character. I want to make sure she doesn’t end up in therapy for her childhood. All of these thoughts are running in your mind while you have timers set for feeds, diaper changes, bottle washing, etc.
My mom stayed with us the first few weeks of postpartum. I honestly would not have made it without her. She would take the baby and give me time to sleep uninterrupted and shower. I made sure to shower every day; I was not budging on that. I may have not slept or ate but I made sure to shower every day.
As people called to check on me, I would lie and say, “OMG I love it” or “Yes, this is the best and most magical feeling”.
After I got off the phone, I would just break down and sob because I didn’t love it and nothing about this postpartum stage was magical.
My mom told me, “You need stop telling people you’re doing great if that’s not how you feel.” I needed that. I needed to know what I felt was normal.
Even though I had carried my baby for 39 weeks, she felt like a stranger to me. We had to get to know each other. When I was pregnant, I saw a new mom post that she was “getting familiar” with her son and me being uninformed, I misjudged her feelings for not loving her child.
Then, when it was my turn – I understood.
I loved my baby, I was excited to meet her but I didn’t love how I felt. I felt so many emotions, all at once. The only thing I could do to let it out was to cry. I needed moms to be honest with me. The next call I got, I was honest about how I felt. That I loved my baby but I was struggling with the insurmountable list of tasks and the little sleep I was getting.
My village showed up for me. And for that, I am thankful.
If you are worried about leaving the hospital after birth, that is perfectly normal. If settling into your new life as a mom, you are not alone. My OBGYN told me, “The fact that you’re worrying about this – makes you a good mom.” We are showered with gifts and always told how beautiful motherhood is during pregnancy; but rarely told about the rough moments in the early postpartum days. So when it hits us, it’s a huge shock and most are unprepared. The truth is that there is no one way to feel and no mom has it all figured out. We all are trying to make it to the end of each day.
You got this mama!
