I prayed tirelessly and tried for almost two years to get pregnant with my second child, my daughter, Camille. Imagine my surprise when those two pink lines appeared when she was only five months old!
I laughed and conveyed so many emotions to my husband as I told him the news. This baby was such a shock, and I was excited! But I was also anxious, overwhelmed, nervous, and unprepared. “Two cribs, two babies, I need a double stroller, I need a bigger house, will I ever sleep again?” The list of worries filled my mind along with the joy that filled my heart.
We decided to tell our family and friends early in the pregnancy by putting our tiny Camille in a “big sister” onesie. Big sister looks so silly on a twelve-pound baby girl. I had a gut feeling that I was pregnant with another girl. I was thrilled that Camille would be an “Irish twin” and have a built-in best friend with a sibling so close in age. Our son, Hudson, was so excited for “another baby” and he really wanted another sister.
I was breastfeeding Camille, so I did not know how far along I was when I took the pregnancy test and the two pink lines appeared. I had an ultrasound and saw that beautiful little blip on the screen with the flickering of a heartbeat. I smiled. I looked at bigger houses online. I worried about how hard it would be with two babies. I put my due date, coincidentally Hudson’s birthday, on my bump app on my phone. I was seven weeks.
I started bleeding. I had another ultrasound and saw that beautiful blip one more time. I saw the heartbeat one more time. 114. I had hope. Hope that my body was just going through something with a pregnancy so soon after my second baby.
I wish I could say that my hopes and prayers were answered and the bleeding stopped. But it didn’t. I lost my surprise baby.
I felt and still feel so many emotions. Other than the crushing sadness that you initially feel after a miscarriage, my first feeling was guilt. Is it because I was filled with an anxious heart over this surprise pregnancy rather than a grateful one? Did I lift Hudson too much, was it the breastfeeding, was it the exercise I did that I wasn’t used to, did I pray enough? My doctor assured me, and if you have ever experienced this loss, I know your doctor assured you, there is nothing you did. I know that there is nothing I did that caused this to happen. You did not cause this to happen. No matter how far along you were in your pregnancy, it is still a loss that you must grieve. It is one of the hardest things to go through, a club I wish none of us joined.
While I still feel guilty over my initial reaction over those two pink lines, I know that I was thrilled and excited for this baby. I loved that baby. The two times I got to see that sweet little angel on an ultrasound were filled with utter bliss and delight. I’m still grieving my surprise baby, but I have hope again. I have hope that when the time is right, the Lord will once again bless our family.
