Miscarriage and Loss

I’ve always been the type of person that had absolutely no idea what to do or say when a loved one was hurting. I’ve always felt absolutely useless in these situations and as if I needed to step aside and let an adult handle it. Here are some things that stuck with me during a time I needed help: Don’t try to fill the silence. My best friend once said, “There’s not anything you can say to make it better, but there’s a lot you can say to make it worse.” Just let her be sad, hurt, angry, etc. It’s kind of selfish to fill silence just because you’re uncomfortable anyway, right? Buy a houseplant. Even if a mom thinks she has...

I can think of few things as scary as re-entering the workforce after having left a successful career many years ago. Over the years I have often found myself referring to my previous career in Human Resources as something I did “in the before.” My journey is likely familiar to many of you. I planned to have it all – a successful career and a family, financial freedom, and a comfortable lifestyle. And like so many others, the universe had other plans for me. Our quest for “one more” left us with three miscarriages, an ectopic pregnancy that nearly killed me, and an ungodly amount of medical bills. We’d reached a point where desperation won and we were willing to...

Welcome to the club. No one wants to be here. No one ever longs to join. It will make you sick to your stomach. You will spend months in a fog. You’ll wish you never knew. But the choice was never yours. Loss Mamas You’ve heard the words: I’m so sorry, there’s no heartbeat. I’m sorry there’s nothing more we can do. I’m so sorry. Your life is forever changed. Your foundations tremble. Your innocence is lost. You’ve planned a funeral for a child you never met, one you barely knew. You know the horror of a room full of tiny coffins and horrible tiny urns.  You have cried for days at a time. You have seen the darkest darkness. Your arms ache. You’ve been told “I can’t imagine” but...

When I first read Chrissy was having serious pregnancy troubles, my stomach dropped. Because in that moment I wished and prayed for her and baby Jack. But that moment also held the most painful and paralyzing memories I have, rushing in, unwanted, to remind me just how fragile life is. Before the day even started, my phone buzzed, “Trigger warning: Chrissy Teigen lost her baby.” Because this is what loss mamas do. It’s a circle of love and protection that you never knew existed. Our loss and heartbreak forges bonds like no other I’ve experienced. When we were preparing to go in to deliver Constance, I had to reach out to two loss mamas in my life. I had to ask them...

After losing a child, few things can be done to ease the hurt. Quite frankly, most days all you long to do is pull the covers over your head and waste away another day. For a while, this sufficed after the death of my son. If he couldn't see the day, I didn't want to either. Anna's Grace It took time to discover what brought my heart comfort. One of the most unsuspecting was a donation. The following Spring after losing Weston, my husband and I decided to participate in the annual Anna's Grace Marathon in our community. This particular organization was dear to our hearts. I can still feel the tightness in my throat after hearing this organization wanted to show...

With no surprise, the death of my son changed my life in so many ways. The overflow of stolen moments immediately consumed my mind when I heard he was gone. I'll never hold his hand on the first day of school or kiss a scraped knee during playtime. I'll never see him get married or have a family of his own. He will never go fishing with his brother or hunting with his daddy. Those moments I knew were taken from us. But, one thing I did not realize was also stolen was my innocence to tragedy. There are times I find myself physically consumed with envy of an eager new mom, so full of excitement. I watch her as...

Alone. I recall sitting at my home, listening to the silence as it roared in my ears. I was supposed to have a baby to care for at this time. I was supposed to be sleep deprived from midnight feedings and 2 am diaper changes. Instead, I was sleep-deprived from crying out in grief through late-night hours. My arms felt weightless, they ached to be filled by my missing child. Wherever he was, I wanted to be. I wasn't suicidal so to speak, but I wanted to be where Weston was. In the days following, I felt my chest heavy as milk began to fill, another blow to my spirit. My body was ready to feed him, to nurture him, but...

I wasn't expecting a visit from you today. As I watched my husband build a tall tower of blocks with our toddler, joy filled the room as Christmas cheer was in full effect. But, you found me. In the middle of bliss and laughter, a pang of sadness. You reminded me someone was missing. Just as my spirit settles, there you are, waiting for me. Grief. Grief, you come in the most unsuspecting moments, when I am overflowing with happiness, almost as a limitation to my joy. "Oh no!" grief says, "You can't be that happy. You can't feel that much joy. Someone is missing, remember?" I used to mistake you for guilt. How can I feel joy when someone I...

October you will forever be dear to me. Your cool crisp air blowing with swirls of amber and gold, though underlying there will always be a tinge of blue. October is pregnancy loss month and ironically when the greatest loss of my life occurred. October 27th, 2017 never falls far from my memory. Even on my most joyful of days, I can feel the familiar hollow ache that none can fill. On a dark, rainy October night I held him for the first and last time. His perfect little frame quiet and still in peace. Before this night, I had no knowledge grief existed of this magnitude. I did not know the pain of this intensity. Some days I yearn...