Preschooler with a PhD in Procrastination

I presume that if you’re reading this, you have children. And I presume that if you have children, you know all about the elaborate procrastination techniques they employ at the most inopportune times. Who else has days that go like this:

When It’s Time to Leave:
Mom: Go put your shoes on.
Kid: Goes to room and comes back 5 minutes later, still shoeless.
Mom: Where are your shoes?
Kid: Look at this shell! I found it under my bed. It’s pink and is shaped like a heart.
Mom: I love the shell! Now please go put your shoes on.
Kid: Goes to room and comes back 5 minutes later, still shoeless.
Mom: Where are your shoes?
Kid: Can I take this snugly toy to school to show my friends?
Mom: No. Escorts kid to room and forces shoes on her feet. Both walk out of room.
Kid: I can’t wear these pants! I hate these pants. I want the pants with the blue flowers!
Mom: You can put those on tonight. We don’t have time. We need to go now.
Kid: Already taking off pants. Takes off shoes. I CAN’T WEAR THESE PANTS.
Mom: Whatever, just hurry up. We’re gonna be late!
Kid: Goes to room and comes back 5 minutes later.
Mom: Where are your shoes?

When It’s Time For Bed:
Mom: Time to get ready for bed.
Kid: I’m hungry.
Mom: We just had dinner.
Kid: But I’m hungry. I want a snack.
Mom: Ok, eat this banana then we’re brushing teeth and going to bed!
Kid: Can I have something sweet?
Mom: No. Eat the banana.
Kid: Eats banana very slooooowly. Can I finish my iPad game?
Mom: No, you’ve been doing that all night. It’s time for bed. Carries kid into bathroom and brushes teeth.
Kid: Can I have some milk? 
Mom: No, you just brushed your teeth.
Kid: (fake coughs) I’m sick. I need some medicine.
Mom: You aren’t sick. Go to kid’s room, read books and prep for bedtime.
Kid: It’s too dark in here.
Mom: All three of your night lights are on. Go to sleep.
Kid: I’m thirsty. Can I have some water with ice?
Mom: Gets water with ice.
Kid: I’m hot. Can you turn the fan on?
Mom: Turns on fan.
Kid: I can’t get comfy.
Mom: Move to a different position.
Kid: I’m only comfy when I’m sitting up.
Mom: That’s not true, go to SLEEP.
Kid: How come you and Daddy get to sleep in bed together and I have to sleep by myself?
Mom: Because you’re a kid. Go TO SLEEP.
Kid: Almost asleep. Then eyes pop open. I have to potty. Goes to bathroom and comes back.
Kid: Mommy, my jammies are itchy.
Mom: Screaming inside head and conjuring Samuel L Jackson. GO TO SLEEP!!

Parenting is hard, y’all. And if you’re like me, that saint-like patience seems to never show up at the right times. But when you’re ready to pull your hair out, I can only hope that it provides some consolation to know you aren’t alone.