Before I had a husband and children of my own, I was a very laid back, easy-going person. I’ve always been super routine and planner oriented, but I could still go with the flow. There are so many things that change after kids-your body, your hair, the bags under your eyes, wrinkles, etc. The biggest and most insane change for me has been the worry and anxiety that has come with having a family of my own.
I recently had surgery under general anesthesia for the first time since having children. In the days leading up to that surgery, I fell into a rabbit hole of worry and anxiety. I thought things like, ”what if I never wake up from the anesthesia?” “Will my husband remarry?” “Will that woman be good to my children?” “If I die, will my husband be able to adequately care for our kids?” I legit would sob thinking about all the things and possibilities. I was scared to death I wouldn’t come back to my husband and children. I remember waking up from surgery to a recovery room nurse asking if I had any pain and my response was “Thank God I woke up!” The relief I felt was so intense. I’ve had a few surgeries in my lifetime, and I never once thought about any of the consequences before I had a family that I was responsible for.
I tend to go down these rabbit holes pretty frequently in my post kid life. When we are in the car driving, I think about everything that could happen. When my husband rides the kids on our four-wheeler. When I put my oldest on the bus every day. When I cross the road to check the mail. When we take the kids swimming. When I take the kids anywhere by myself. I am constantly aware of our surroundings because my rabbit hole reminds me of human trafficking, kidnapping, armed robberies, etc.
I think your rabbit hole opens up as soon as you conceive and realize that you are solely responsible for a child. The rabbit hole of motherhood can be so intense. It can make you doubt everything. I wanted to write about it so that other moms know they aren’t alone. You are not crazy for going down the hole. I think it means that you love with your whole heart. Next time you find yourself going down that road that leads to the rabbit hole. Stop. Count to five. Name three positive things about your current situation and reflect on your blessings. Know that God is in control and that rabbit hole is a way that Satan is trying to dim your light.
