To my precious baby girl on your first birthday:
How is it possible that a year has passed since you entered this world? It feels like yesterday that the doctor put you on my chest, and your daddy shocked us all by saying, “It’s a girl!” This year has passed in the blink of an eye, which makes me incredibly sad. However, I am so excited to see your sweet and sassy personality start to shine and look forward to watching you grow more than you will ever know.
A few weeks back I started to plan your first birthday party. As I sat down to fill out the “All About Me” poster, it hit me that so much of this past year is a blur. I realized that I couldn’t rattle off the answers to every little question about your favorite “this” or your first “that.” I honestly felt guilty that I didn’t seem to “know” you as well as I thought I should. As my second baby, there are so many moments and milestones that I didn’t commit to memory like I did with your brother.
However, the more I thought about it, I realized you got to experience things he never did. You were born with a built-in best friend who was there to entertain you 24/7 as well as the best older stepbrother/godfather around. Plus, since you are a girl, you can wear all the cute outfits and bonnets lol!
I often think back to those months when you were in my belly and it was just you and me. Truth be told, those were some of the best moments of my life, but also a time of much anxiety. I cherished being pregnant with you, but deep down I worried about how life would change once you entered the world. How could I possibly love another baby as much? How would we adjust as a family of five? Was I being selfish having another baby so soon when my first baby was still a baby himself? Would I be able to keep up with the demands of work and life and still bond with you? The wheels of doubt never stopped turning until July 9, 2019, at 6:03 a.m. All of my worries and fears vanished the second I held you in my arms and kissed your perfect little lips. I knew instantly that God’s plan was bigger and better than any hesitation I ever had.
That’s not to say those first few months were pure bliss. Having a newborn and a VERY active one-year-old at home full-time was no joke. There were many days that I wanted to pull my hair out. Trying to nurse you and chase your brother around was a challenge, to say the least. I chose to keep your brother home with us during maternity leave. Many people told me that was a mistake because I wouldn’t be able to bond with you while taking care of him, too. While I may not have gotten that one-on-one time with you, I got to know you in a different way. I fell in love more deeply with two tiny humans than I ever thought was possible.
As a second child things aren’t always Pinterest perfect. We may not always follow every APA recommendation to a T. Your baby book might not be up-to-date, and your nursery is still somewhat incomplete; however, you, my sweet girl, have made our lives complete in ways you will never know. All the worries and fears are just my own insecurities, ones that I’m sure most moms feel when having another baby. The irony is because you’re my second baby, you have made me a better mom. I’m less anxious and stressed and more laid back. I don’t obsess over every little detail, and I try not to sweat the small stuff (as much!) I cherish every hug and giggle because I now know just how quickly this time passes. As for that fear about never loving another baby as much, I could laugh thinking about it. My heart has expanded times infinity and has never been fuller than when I look at you and our family. I know how extremely blessed we are to have you in our lives and thank God every day for the joy you have brought to us! Happy Birthday, Angel!