Desperate for Sound

Each day that passes creates a bigger canyon in my heart. Minute to minute, hour to hour, your silence is chipping away at all the hopes and dreams I had for our family.

You recently said that if I was to leave that you would fight for me to stay. The time to do that is now. The time to pull out all of the stops is now. The time to throw away whatever insecurities and preconceived notions of what this should look like is now. By the time I decide to leave, it will be too late for any resuscitative actions. They will fall on deaf ears and a shattered heart that no amount of the right words could ever repair. 

This isn’t how I imagined we would be at this point. None of this is what I imagined.

I imagined a husband who cherished me, a husband who wanted nothing more than to share everything with me, a husband who wanted me as his soul mate, his partner, his best friend. I imagined a husband who made decisions to build our bond stronger, our love deeper, and our lives richer. I didn’t imagine that our life would be full of peaks and no valleys, I just thought that the valleys would strengthen the peaks.
I don’t know exactly where we took a wrong turn. I can pinpoint several bad decisions, but even bad decisions can be redirected into learned lessons and improved behavior. Somewhere along the way, the train got more than derailed, and I just can’t get it back on track on my own. I can’t even get things to resemble even a little bit of the magic we once had.

The more that I have begged and pleaded for any reassurance that this is where you want to be, the less you give.

The more that I do to show you the actions to take, the less you do. When I tell you the words to say, you respond with the loudest silence that I’ve ever heard. And no response is a response.

I’m so hurt. Merely breathing makes my heart tremble with sadness. I’ve laid all my cards on the table. I’ve been honest to a point of embarrassment that I’ve made a fool of myself.

No response is still your response. Just tell me. Just tell me. Please just tell me.


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