I am struggling! My belly is doing somersaults, my breathing isn’t quite steady, and tears are stinging my eyes threatening to expose me to the world!
Why? My firstborn child, the kid who made me a mom and sometimes made me question God, is turning 16 this week!
I am not ready! My heart physically hurts. I did not anticipate having all these emotions. It’s not like I haven’t been a very present mother. I’ve written the be present in the moment blog. I know I haven’t taken our precious time for granted, yet I still feel the loss. I feel him slipping away. I mean he’s doing what he’s supposed to do. He’s growing up! I don’t want him to stop. Shoot, I can’t afford to feed him forever. (He’s a teen boy after all.) But if I could just freeze some of these last few years I think I might try.
I’ve been blessed he’s a regular teen – he grunts and gripes and makes messes. But. He’s also amazing, he’s one of my favorite people and dare I say one of my closest friends. I like our relationship; I’m not ready for the future to be so close. Yet, it is. 16 means in two years he’ll be leaving and going on a new journey. A journey without me. I hope and pray I’m equipping him for this world. I hope I’m able to let go when I’m supposed to.
For now, I’m hanging on for dear life, weepy and all! I know 16 is supposed to be sweet, but right now it feels bittersweet.