This merry-go-round is relentless. Things are kind of normal, so this person declares “I’m cured! I no longer need this medication!” and then even worse “Maybe I’m not the one who need medicine at all. Maybe it’s just everybody else is stupid/ dumb/ ridiculous/ignorant/ etc.” And just like that, they not only stop taking the medicine that helps make them tolerable they also flat out refuse to hear any rational reasoning as to why they should be on it.
I can’t remember a time in my life that wasn’t filled with your mountainous highs and deep valleys of lows. I can’t remember a time that wasn’t fueled by your extreme emotions from every point of the spectrum. I don’t know why you’re like this. I don’t know why you can’t see it. But I do know that the medicine helps. The medicine makes you not so razor-sharp and ready to burst at every slight inconvenience. I know the medicine helps you be more patient and kind and sometimes even compassionate. I’ll just continue walking on eggshells for now because as long as your distasteful opinions and lashing outs are focused elsewhere, I can continue to try to find an acceptable solution for everybody.
I know it’s only a matter of time before this “better” unmedicated version is in a deep, dark low and I’ll have to be the person to suggest the dreaded medication. I’ll have to be the person to try to explain to you that it’s for the best for everybody and you will argue “everybody EXCEPT ME!” I will have to accept the blame and show you grace and mercy and forgiveness for the very worst of your toxicity. The past has taught me that you can only fake it for so long. You are a ticking time bomb and I will be expected to diffuse you before you blow with minimum damage to everyone else, regardless of how damaging this cycle is for me. I will have to do the dirty work, again.
I wish I didn’t know anything about this cycle. I wish you just enjoyed being your healthy self. This unfair cycle is exhausting, the constant guessing of what could possibly set you off at any given moment is impossibly long and I can’t shield us all against the toxic behaviors. I know how selfish this is, but the absolute worst part is that I miss the predictable, reliable you. I miss knowing what to expect. I don’t know what to say or do to keep you from blowing up. I don’t want the blame for what will eventually happen. I don’t want the hate of the medicine directed at me.
What did I do to deserve this, again?