GroupMe Etiquette for the Modern Parent

GroupMe Etiquette for the Modern Parent

Okay, moms. Let’s talk about GroupMe. I’m officially using my unofficial authority to set some rules. This is for your own good. These rules will liberate you – freeing you from feeling obligated to respond to every message in GroupMe and silencing the constant barrage of notifications. You probably have several unread and irrelevant GroupMe messages to tend to now, so let’s dive right in.

• Rule #1: If the coach asks who will NOT be able to attend the game or event, only respond if your child is NOT attending.

  This one’s pretty simple, but it’s commonly misunderstood. Let’s examine this one closely: “Not attending” signifies your child won’t be there – not present in any physical form. So, announcing “Billy will be there” achieves the opposite of what’s intended. In addition to causing confusion, your response will start a chain reaction. Studies have shown that 70% of the parents on the team will follow suit by saying that their child will also be at the game, 20% of parents will start to dislike you, and the remaining 10% of parents silenced GroupMe weeks ago because of your nonsense.

• Rule #2: If you arrive at practice or a game early, there is no need to let the rest of us know.

  Look, I get it. You’re probably the first parent in line for carpool each day. Just as there is no trophy being handed out to the first parent in line for carpool, there is no trophy being handed out to the parent who arrives early for every event. Broadcasting your punctuality not only slows down those of us hustling to leave, but it also adds unnecessary stress. You’ve already annoyed at least 20% of the parents with the chain reaction of game attendance announcements you started – don’t make things worse.

• Rule #3: Embrace the direct message feature.

  I’m sorry if Billy‘s had a stomach bug all day, but we really don’t need to know about it. Odds are, Billy doesn’t want everyone to know about it, either. If he’s not going to make a game or practice, and the coach did not specifically ask who is NOT attending said event (see rule #1), just direct message him to let him know Billy’s got an upset stomach. Billy and the other parents will appreciate your due diligence.

• Rule #4: Don’t start the sympathy train.

  Pepto will handle Billy’s needs just fine. It’s probably the three hotdogs he scarfed down after the last game anyway. Unless the child is injured or seriously ill, spare GroupMe from being inundated with empty well wishes. There’s no need to feel guilty for not commenting on a minor illness. While we wish Billy a speedy recovery, an onslaught of “get well soon 🙏” messages from 15 people only buries the important information we seek.

• Rule #5: Before asking a question, scroll up to see if it has already been answered.

  This rule is tricky, perhaps the most difficult of all. It’s only going to work if everyone agrees to abide by all of the other rules. Sometimes it’s impossible to find the answers you need with all the irrelevant stuff that gets posted in GroupMe. Be a part of the solution, not the problem. Together we can make a difference.