I didn’t miscarry my baby. I felt her die inside of me. I felt every contraction for days. I cried & begged & pleaded for life.
I didn’t lose my baby. I was painfully aware of that life bleeding out of my body. She’s not lost, I’ll never forget her.
It’s been three years and I’m still plagued with thoughts who she would have been. I still cry over never getting to see her face or feel her move. Despite my doctor’s kind reassurance, I still fall into the black hole of “what if it *was* something I did.”
Even when we did get pregnant again, I spent nine months holding my breath. I lied about date of my last period because I needed to see this baby. At every ultrasound I held my breath, felt my nails dig into my palms and waited to hear those awful words again, “I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat.” For nine months, I tried not to get my hopes up (which in all honesty is impossible!) because I was terrified to face all that pain again. I counted kicks like Rain Man because it brought assurance of life. Every twinge of pain brought panic coursing through my being.
Friends having babies was a double edged sword. I was thrilled for life, how could I not be, it’s what I desired myself! But it hurt watching milestones that I should be experiencing too.
Sex fell into the same category; I needed to prove to myself I wasn’t broken (your mind does crazy things in grief). But at the same time it felt like I was betraying the last place our baby lived. I’m not even sure if that makes sense outside of my own head, but it was a serious battle for me.
Every period reminded me of the way our baby died. I never knew periods could be so traumatic, but they were.
But let me speak a little light into your life. Your baby matters. They mattered to you, they matter to me. You are not alone in this! Talk about your baby if you need to, we all deserve to heal, sometimes this is just what we need. Seek counsel if you need it, loss is hard, grief harder — so often these tiny lives are a silent loss in our circles. Be sure to seek out help you need, places like Anna’s Grace Foundation are there for moments such as this. I don’t care if you were “barely” pregnant; it’s still painful and you still deserve to grieve — don’t rob yourself of that. Anna’s Grace will walk with you in grief and healing.
The hardest; don’t allow yourself to get in your head. We will tell ourselves the worst things. Find truth, cling to it. Allow your husband to grieve with you, allow your friends to carry your grief when you can’t. And remember that sweet baby anyway you need to.
