Remember what it felt like when you were dating? The anxiety that comes with uncertainty?
Should I call? I called last time. Maybe just a text … Or am I being too clingy? I’ll just wait it out.
Did I wait too long? Ugh. Now he won’t think I’m interested. Maybe I should have sent a text …
Dang it, he is clearly online all. day. long but hasn’t liked any of my posts. Maybe I’m not his type. But I really wanna be his type. Well, unless I have to change who I am.
Oh! A message! Crap. Not him. How long has it been since I last reached out? Maybe I’ll run into him soon.
That feeling that I want to know every detail about every little thing, but I don’t want to sound like a crazy, obsessed person. As if this person is uncovering a piece of me that I never knew was hidden, but could destroy it just as easily.
Except, instead of this being about a boy I like, it’s the biological father I just discovered 2 weeks ago. It’s the half sisters I’ve only known existed for the last 12 days. It’s the answers to all of the questions I have never been able to ask, because I’ve never known someone who had any answers.
I feel so vulnerable. To put yourself out there and be rejected by a boy? It will all be okay. Life will move forward. Your friends will understand and support and you will get another chance.
To be rejected by the person who made your life possible? Who is the first biological connection you’ve ever had who wasn’t grown inside of you? It could be devastating.
They all said they were so excited to connect with me, yet here I sit, constantly wondering if I will hear from them again. Were they disappointed in what they found in me?
They were looking for me and had expectations and anticipation. I haven’t looked in years and didn’t even know that most of them existed. For all I knew, my biological father was deceased. But no, he isn’t. He is alive and seemingly well. He said he is proud of who I have become.
And as hopes and dreams of the future begin to hesitantly form to include these people to whom I’ve only just put a name and a face, my expectations are forming, and my heart is opening up to the possibility of relationships and connections that could lead that very same heart to be crushed.