My dad gave me a call recently just to chat, which seems normal, but it is kind of out of character for my introverted silent compassionate father. Long story short, he misses his grandson and wants him to go over to his house more on the weekends. Love it, I am totally on board. My mother-in-law also loves having the little guy over on weekends. Love that too. Kids need grandparents and grandparents need grandkids. Momma needs some alone time and when the hubby is miraculously off of work, some spouse time too. Though, why do I feel a tinge of guilt?
I love putting my son to bed at night. I straight up love getting in my pajamas and going to bed. It is embarrassingly one of the highlights of my day. Humans need sleep. It’s not just a mom thing… it’s a human thing. Why do I feel guilty?
After he’s asleep, I sometimes eat cheese and crackers for dinner and once in a blue moon, I’ll have Oreos and cool whip for dessert. Why do I feel guilty?
I had a glass of wine. I took a bath. Why do I feel guilty?
He’s at his grandparents for the night, so I binge watch The Good Place. Still feeling guilty.
He doesn’t want to go to preschool in the morning and asks me why I have to work when his friends moms stay at home. So guilty.
Family comes to my house to visit and wonder why my house is so dirty. Why are the clean clothes not folded and put away? Why are the dishes in the sink? “Well if you work from home full time, you should have time to cook and clean.” Guilty.
With guilt comes shame, then tears, maybe some rage, then more tears, comparison, then jealousy, maybe addiction, fear, then anger, confusion, mood swings, exhaustion, blame, more tears and more guilt.
I think we all have an idealistic image of what a perfect mother, wife, daughter, friend looks like … and I am not that person. I want to be the perfect mother that can anticipate all of my child’s wants and needs and who is also a discipline guru. I want to be the perfect wife who communicates flawlessly and has a perfect home where my husband never has to worry about chores or if we have enough money this month to pay our bills. I want to be the perfect daughter and friend who remembers all of the birthdays, life events; the one who has all of the perfect advice, and is the perfect hostess with an immaculate home. I want to be the perfect employee who is totally organized, never makes mistakes, and goes above and beyond to get the job done.
I feel guilt that I love working and do not want to be a stay at home mom. I feel guilt that I am an organized slob. I feel guilt that I cannot afford to take my family to Disney World. I feel guilt that I cannot fix every problem for every person I love. I feel guilt that I cannot be the perfect wife and mother.
Isn’t all of that dramatic and annoying and terrible?? Dude. I am one person. I am very aware that I cannot actually do it all. No one can do it all. Total perfection is actually impossible and unattainable. So why do we want it so badly? We should be thrilled that family and friends offer to keep our children so we can have alone time! We should be thrilled that our bosses give us tangible tasks that they know we are qualified to do and the grace to understand that human error happens. The perfect boss and perfect employee do not exist. We should be thrilled to have a roof over our heads and food in our belly; your house is probably messy because people literally live there! Your spouse, I’m sure, does not give two you know whats that you cannot do all of the housework by yourself … we literally created this image of ourselves as a “perfect spouse” and put this burden on our own dang self. Your partner is your partner – you’re not meant to do this alone!
Comparison is a thief of joy, y’all. You do you. Take time for yourself. Read the book, binge watch the show, drink the wine, get the babysitter, go to ladies night, find a therapist, call a friend. Do not buy every single person you know a birthday or Christmas gift. Do not put yourself in debt over gifts. Treat yo self. Forgive yourself. Love yourself.
You’re doing ok, Momma. Actually, you’re doing great. In every wild season of life, you got this. Everything is going to be ok.