I used to be a professional. I used to be an incredible teacher. I used to come home from the classroom and KNOW that I just made a difference in the world. I used to wear high heels. I felt strong and my work was fulfilling.
I used to be an artist. A creator. A knowledge seeker. My thoughts used to be in order.
I used to be a good friend – the one who never forgot a birthday. The one who always remembered to call. The one who gave advice. The one who listened and knew what was going on in your life.
I was organized, on time, well dressed. I used to have good skin and shaved legs (okay maybe not always shaved legs).
I used to take better care of myself. Take long relaxing baths, exercise, go to the dentist … ugh that reminds me – I REALLY need to make a dentist appointment.
I used to read. Actual books. Read them from cover to cover.
I used to sleep. Garden. Cook without the stress of messing up dinner. I used to love grocery shopping alone.
I used to go on long walks. It was quiet. And I could think.
Sometimes I sit.
Maybe on the bathroom floor while I sip my coffee behind a locked door and my husband feeds the boys breakfast. I sit. And I miss myself. I wonder: “Have I lost me? Am I gone?“
But then I stop. I breathe. And I realize I am so much more than I was. I am so much stronger and more powerful than the me I sometimes miss.
I am more powerful because I don’t think about myself first anymore.
Don’t get me wrong, I believe in self care and seek it regularly, but I find myself sacrificed in a beautiful and humbling way that goes deeper than anything I could ever have imagined.
Its not easy. Some days I get frustrated. I feel like its not fair. Like I don’t have enough “me time”… Some days I feel like I am at the end of my rope (any maybe I am).
But then there comes a point, maybe even after a bit of overdue rest, I realize I GET to be a mom. That I AM a mom. I have the privilege and the honor of motherhood. AND I am doing a pretty darn good job. I remember that I am choosing to stay at home with my children and I have CHOSEN to be a parent to my beautiful boys. I remember that I still have heels in my closet and that no one can take away my Master’s degree. I remember that life changes so fast and that my boys are only small once. I remember that this stage of life is really hard, but it is only a season of life and that things will change (maybe even too quickly). I remember that life has a lot to offer and that I am a significant part of this beautiful big world.
I think about how being a mom is a powerful and important job in this world. And that helps me love this me more than the me I sometimes miss.