Supporting Moms Through Abuse :: What Loved Ones Need to Know
I speak to moms who are currently in or trying to get out of an abusive relationship all throughout the week as a domestic violence attorney. From my personal experiences and my perspective as an attorney in this field, I can confidently say that I see a stark contrast in victims that have the support of their loved ones and those that don’t.
I see the moms that come in with their best friend helping them keep all their paperwork in order. I see that sisters that come in and help victims remember everything they need to tell their attorney.
An isolated victim is a controlled victim.
I can see that these moms were supported by these women throughout their abuse. That they were never left stranded due to loved ones being frustrated that their advice was not heeded. Domestic violence can feel like a two-person cult to victims due to the power and control present in the relationship. When loved ones leave the victim’s side, it becomes so much harder for them to leave the relationship for good.
Here are three things to keep in mind while being a supporter ::
Support from love
Being in an abusive relationship is being on an island, while everyone else is on the nearby continent. To get to the continent, there’s a long, long bridge that has to be built.
Every loving, productive conversation had with friends and family that end with “we support your decision, but we want you to be safe” and helps implement a plan becomes a board in that bridge.
On the contrary, when victims have conversations with someone who try to shame them out of the relationship, a board is taken away. It’s not uncommon for friends of a victim to say, “if you go back to him, I’m not talking to you anymore.” These interactions make it so much easier to believe the lies victims are being told about themselves in their home.
Support from love, but make the implications clear
Supporting someone from love doesn’t mean ignoring the danger or pretending everything is fine. It means recognizing that there are real consequences when abuse continues unchecked — for the victim and for their children.
When kids repeatedly see violence or control in their home, it can have lifelong emotional and psychological impacts. Eventually, schools, doctors, or other mandatory reporters may step in — often leading to investigations and legal involvement that the victim may not be emotionally prepared to navigate.
And sometimes, the victim themselves reaches a breaking point. After months or years of trauma, “snapping” can look like an outburst, a dangerous confrontation, or even legal consequences for the victim. These moments don’t happen out of nowhere; they’re often the result of years of control, fear, and isolation.
Supporting from love means being a steady, nonjudgmental presence so the victim can build that “bridge” to safety before outside forces or crises force the situation to a head.
Understand how hard it is
I had scripts in my head for what I would do if I ever found out my partner cheated on me, hit me, etc. We all do. The reality: It freezes you. Then, you have this tiny, vulnerable human being that is depending on you and takes up so much of your mental space. By the time you’re able to make sense of it all, the abuser is typically apologizing, love bombing you, telling you he/she will get help, etc.
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, it takes a person, on average, 7 times to leave an abusive relationship. I know how upsetting and terrifying it can be to watch your friend, loved one, etc. go back to someone who is hurting them. However, when you learn about the psychology behind the abuse cycle (pictured on the right), you can see what a mind-F it really is for the person actually in it.
Support with love, be realistic, and have patience.
