The Inadequate-ness

Even though I love them so much my heart physically aches, what if that love just isn’t enough? Because I am failing in every other way.

Sometimes, they drive me to the breaking point and everythinggg they do makes me want to scream. Because I am not adequate to parent them.

Sometimes they get hot dogs and easy mac for dinner after an afternoon of sugary snacks. Because I am an inadequate parent.

Sometimes it’s painful to just look at them because they’re growing up so fast it brings tears to my eyes. Because I am an inadequate mother.

Sometimes I just give in and try to grant whatever the unreasonable desires are, and it’s still not enough and there are still tears. Because I am not an adequate mother.

Sometimes I forget a lovey or a extra snack. Because I just am not adequate.

Sometimes I can’t achieve all of their demands in their idea of a timely fashion, so somebody is crying. Because I am inadequate.

Sometimes we spend all day watching television. Because I don’t have anything left to give.

Sometimes we all just have to cry ourselves to sleep and pray that tomorrow is better. Because today, I was inadequate.

Some days, everything I do is just not enough. Failure after failure after failure pile up so quickly and I can’t see a way to turn the ship around. Because I am not adequate.

I always tell them I love them. I always try to show them just how much I love them. I always look back and try to learn and grow and make myself better for the next time an opportunity presents itself, I can be adequate in that moment.

I am always trying my hardest to give them the very best version of myself. But some days, she just doesn’t show up. Some days, instead of getting the mother that marvels at the wonder that is their childhood, they get a grumpy, impatient, overstimulated, tired, running late version of their mommy. Mommies everywhere know what happens, the littles absorb all of that bad energy you’re putting out there and the negativity derails ev.ery.thing you even think of accomplishing.

I hope and pray all the time that one day, they can look past all the failures and see all the efforts. I hope and pray that one day, they can cherish the times we had popcorn and popsicles for dinner and don’t remember that I had tear stained cheeks. I hope and pray that they never feel inadequate in their journey. I hope and pray they always feel worthy and deserving and their efforts are appreciated even when they do not add up to achievements. I hope and pray that tomorrow the stars will align and the efforts will turn into achievements instead of a long list of failures.


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