I am writing this letter to both of you at the end of a very long day. I gave you both my all today but somehow it still seemed to not be enough. I kept your little bellies full and jumped at your every request for more snacks. I bathed you guys to remove the evidence of all the sticky snacks you requested and messily devoured. I lost count of the times I read your favorite book to you and how many times I got on the floor and became a living road rug. I worked hard to be creative in teaching you to became functioning humans. But in the midst of it all, I lost my temper today and we all ended up crying. I upset you and hurt your feelings. I let my emotions get the best of me and I became too emotional to correctly parent you. So at the end of today, I sang to you and held your hand until you fell asleep. I then held you and cried because I just wasn’t enough.
You guys have seen me at my worst. You have seen me suddenly explode and react on a whim. You have seen me yell and cry. You have heard my voice being raised to levels I regret. You have seen my patience at its shortest. So I realize that in experiencing this, you guys may sometimes question my love for you. The truth is, it isn’t you. It’s me (one day you’ll learn that normally that phrase is a cliche but for me, it is the God’s honest truth). I am tired. I know that isn’t an excuse because what mom isn’t? But often, more times than not, I feel like the exhaustion affects my ability to be the mother I truly desire to be. Some days, I fail and fall short. Some days, what I do just is not enough. I am not the perfect mom, although I do strive to be. I am too tough at times when I should just ignore and smile. I yell and join in your chaos when I should be calming you. I get stressed out easily at things that are silly and beyond any of our control. Sometimes, I am just not enough.
So next time my voice is raised and you see my face get all scary looking and begin to question my love for you, remember this …. you are both my greatest accomplishments and my most precious gifts.
You saved me from feeling like I had no purpose, by making me a mother. You will never understand the depth of my love for you and all of the ways you have changed me for the better. No one on this planet means more to me than you guys. Even when I am upset or crying because of the day we have had, I would never trade getting to love you and being your mother for anything in the world. Please know that I am trying my best every day to let you know that you are loved no matter how I may feel or act.
On our very worst of days, remember that I love you beyond my capability to put it into words.
Your loving mama bear