Do you ever stop and think about how much fear controls us? Fear has consumed most of my life from as far back as I can remember. From childhood to motherhood, I have been afraid.
As a little girl I can remember not wanting to grow up and getting really sad whenever I thought about leaving home with my independence. Maybe I didn’t want to leave the security of home, but I know that fear is what I felt. Fear is what kept me from playing sports or trying out for anything. It was what allowed me to be bullied, and it kept me from speaking up for myself.
In college, I branched out more. I lived alone and was pretty self-sufficient. I always felt scared to try many new things or to go after things I really wanted. Fear kept me from pursuing a career I wanted, and it prevented me from leaving situations I should never have been in. Fear kept me stagnant through most of my 20’s.
When I found out I was pregnant with my son, my first feeling was fear. I was deeply afraid to become a mom, almost to the point of wanting to run away from everything. My fear prevented me from feeling happy or excited. Fear told me everything wrong that could happen, and it stopped me from really appreciating what I was experiencing. My fear forbid me from feeling happy. It kept the excitement down and heightened the worst.
My fear has hindered me on taking bold career moves. It has prohibited me from removing myself from groups of people that I know I would be better off without because I am scared of making people mad. Fear has planted me where I am, both in good and bad ways. Fear keeps me in check yet it prohibits movement.
Stepping out in faith is very hard for me. I would just assume stay where I am, hate it and complain about it. It’s because I am afraid. I am afraid of the unknown and of disappointment. I am sure a lot of it is from self-doubt. I do not trust myself to bring good things. I have talked to a few people, mostly moms, who have felt this way as well. Is it pressure? Is it the let down? What keeps us in a state of fear? Are we so afraid of disappointing ourselves and those we love that instead of taking action we stay put?
I can remember years ago, I was approached by a friend who had a great job opportunity for me. It would require me totally stepping out of my comfort zone, and while the money wouldn’t be great in the beginning, there was a lot of potential for more down the line. My husband and I talked it over for a few days and he was on board. The thing was, I couldn’t do it. I was working for a horrible boss for horrible pay and still my fear wouldn’t allow me to budge. So I stayed where I was. Who knows what would have happened if I had made a move?
I am slowly working on making a change. Stepping out from what I know isn’t easy, but if I want to really make myself happy and really live up to my full potential, I have to do it. I would like to show my children that there isn’t really all that much to be afraid of. I think if we took a leap of faith and put our fears aside, we would all be really happy with the results.