Addiction Through a Loved One’s Eye: Grieving Someone That’s Still Alive

The Addiction…

Addiction takes so many things from so many people. It takes loved ones from families. It takes a normal life from the addict. It causes an addict to do things they normally wouldn’t do and say things they normally wouldn’t say. As the addict, these may be things you do not remember, but as a loved one, it’s things we never forget. Your words and actions sting us to the core. They haunt us when we lay down at night, while we continue to pray for you. Even though we know your words are meant to manipulate, they stick to our hearts like mortared bricks. Addiction doesn’t just change you, it changes us. It’s a shadow that we can’t outrun and leaves us feeling so alone.

Grief, a deep sorrow especially caused by the death of someone.

Grief is such a complex emotion. It’s even harder when you’re grieving someone that is still on this Earth. I’m grieving for the person you used to be, the part of you that has died and is no longer with us. I grieve for your attention, for your approval, for you to be a part of my life, my kids’ life, to be a whole family again, to have a normal sibling relationship. I grieve because you choose to not be a part of my life and it hurts not to have you in my life. For some reason, the grief hits me harder on my birthday. Every year I wish it was different. Every year I hope that you will call. Every year I hope that you will care, that you will think of me as I think of you. My heart stays heavy. The weight is never lifted. On special days, it just feels heavier.

The Hope…

When the phone rings and I don’t recognize the number, my heart stops beating. I think it may be you. There are so many things that cross my mind during the ring. If I answer and it is you-what will I say? Will it be awkward? What do you need or want? Because let’s be honest-you always need or want something or you just don’t call. If I answer, will you end up breaking my heart again? Will I have to face the disappointment of thinking this time is different and finding out AGAIN that it’s not different at all? So I don’t pick up the phone if I don’t recognize the number because I know that if it is you, I can’t handle the emotional manipulation that will take place. I will hope there is a change. I will hope that I can trust you and that you won’t lie or cheat or steal to get what you need but I know I will end up with a broken heart every time until you decide to change.

The Prayers for Your Future…

I pray daily for God to give me the strength to forgive you. Every day, I pray and hope that it will be the day that you wake up and change your life, that you will see this isn’t the life God intended you to have. You are so intelligent and are better than the life you’re living. I pray that you will one day seek a relationship with God and your family again. And I mean a real relationship with trust, based on truth and not lies.

And when you do, we will be here waiting for you with open arms but until then we will continue to grieve for the person that is still alive.

Tessa Stuard
Born and raised in Baton Rouge, currently living in Central, LA with my family. I am married to my husband of 7 years, Alva. We have four children, Jakoby (6), twins-Kirby and Camp (4), and Ella Ray (1). I am a Pediatric RN, BSN turned stay at home mom. I am an extreme extrovert that loves spending time with my hubby, kiddos, camping, mani/pedis, crafts, sushi, watching baseball and pretty much anything that gives me a good excuse to have a margarita!


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