As a child I dreamed of the day I’d become a mother. I never had a doubt in my mind that I wanted children, but often wondered how many children I’d have. In a perfect world I’m pretty certain that my husband and I would channel our inner Duggar and have as many as we could and we’d love every second of it. However, my world isn’t perfect and circumstances have helped my husband and I make the decision that after three sons, we have decided we are finished having children.
Coye and I made this heart wrenching decision roughly 4 years ago. After 3 “unplanned” pregnancies we wanted to have a solid decision on this topic. Our reasons are typical….enough quality time for each child, extra curricular activities, expenses, rooms, etc. There is also the reasoning that our middle son requires frequent hospital stays and tons of extra attention and care. We sorted out the pros and cons like it was a business decision, yet it is the farthest thing from it because it matters directly to the heart. And just like that our decision was made surgically permanent and my little family was complete.
I struggled with the decision to retire my womb for a while. I love children dearly. I love smelling their baby goodness. I love hearing my children call for their momma. I love seeing their faces light up with joy for all of life’s adventures. I love talking to them about their day. I just love it all. So deciding that my womb will no longer be occupied by a beautiful little soul was HARD. I knew in my heart and mind that it was the right decision and I felt the peace that came with it.
But the longing that comes for a baby every so often can overwhelm me. Seeing all of my friends with their perfectly round bellies, attending baby showers, cuddling a newborn with that shaky newborn cry….ahhh… Baby fever sets in and I sweetly look at my husband, “I so want a baby.” He smiles, hugs me, and we laugh it off. Soon after, the feeling subsides and I am back to enjoying my little men. Then comes the absolute cutest picture on Facebook of a precious little girl and I’m overcome thoughts of bottles and onesies. I question if I will have this longing for another baby forever. I look to other moms to see if they also have this feeling too. They have to be, right?
A random lady in her fifties or sixties and I were discussing having baby fever after seeing a newborn at the doctor’s office a few weeks ago. I told her that my husband and I were “done”, but I often dreamed of having another baby even though I knew we couldn’t. She laughed and knew exactly how I was feeling. She said she satiated her desire for another baby after 10 years of holding back, yet the feeling returned. She explained that the longing for another baby has always remained with her. I got to thinking about this and agreed. I was never one to just KNOW it was time like some women. Nope. I often find myself daydreaming of my life with another baby, before reality smacks me in the face and I think “OOooo, yeah, can’t do that!”
While I may never experience feet in my ribs or tiny hiccups from within, I can cherish the precious memories of each of my pregnancies (and block out those mornings hugging the toilet). While I may never be up every two hours sleepily feeding a baby taking in their sweetness, I can certainly get my baby fill of friend’s babies and beg them to let me babysit!
Over the past 4 years I have learned that this baby fever is part of me. Longing for another child is just part of who I am loving children. I loved being pregnant, becoming a mom again and again, snuggling babies, raising children, and enjoying every single second of their life through my momma eyes.
Have you made this decision and have similar feelings? Or were you certain in your decision to stop having children?