It’s that time again! That time when your ovaries start aching and you stay up all night looking through pictures of squishy newborns while secretly pulling out old baby clothes from the attic (just me? wow, that’s embarrassing, moving on…) In case you haven’t noticed, there are a lot of pregnant mommas up in the Red Stick! So, while I stare at pictures of my old baby bellies and stuff my face with coffee flavored ice cream, I’m going to try, for a brief minute, to get a hold of myself and focus on all the awesome things about being not pregnant (because let’s face it, there are lots of really awesome things!)
#1. Drink up!
Yeah, the inevitable act of rubbing in the pregnant woman’s face that I get to knock back a few shots of whatever I want! I mean, seriously, was it just me or did you crave any and all forms of liquor while pregnant? It was torture. Pure torture I tell you! In fact, I rarely drink, but when I was pregnant I could have become a world champion drinker (thank you, sweet baby, for simultaneously turning me into a wanna-be alcoholic and keeping me sober). So now I guess there are two good things: A. I don’t crave liquor but B. if I did, I could drink however much I wanted! Party like it’s 1995, y’all! (except, in 1995 I was only 10, so that’s bad advice… party like it’s 2006?) And remember that your pregnant friend would make a wonderful DD for those nights out on the drinking town! *cheers* (actually, don’t do that to your pregnant friends. I just got dirty looks from 75% of Baton Rouge)
#2. Eat ALL the things!
The other inevitable facerub: Food! I’ll just be over here stuffing my face with all the yummy coffee, sushi, and cheeses I want. Enjoy that kale salad with an extra shot of cod liver oil (growing a tiny human brain requires lots of nutrients). I’m also going to super enjoy the fact that I’m not over here throwing up every 15 minutes like I did while pregnant. And the fact that I’m not convincing myself that really gross, inedible foods are actually awesome all in the name of cravings! I’m pretty sure the moment I put ketchup and mustard on ice cream and deemed it delicious is the moment I sold my foodie soul to the baby spawn inside of my womb (true story, I did that.)
#3. Go five seconds without worrying!
Ok, I’m a mom, I will never go 5 seconds without worrying… EVER! But at least I don’t have to worry about all of the pregnancy worry things! Can I actually push my baby out while I’m pooping? (Is that a thing? Has that happened? Cause I was super worried starting at like week 6, y’all!) Does this nail polish have phthalates in it? Because I read in a blog once that phthalates can cause infertility in male children if used by the mother while they were in the womb, and I don’t know if I’m having a boy or girl yet but that seems risky, so are you sure this nail polish doesn’t have phthalates in it? Is there a label I can read? (Actual conversation between a very confused nail tech and myself when I didn’t even look pregnant yet. She probably was telling everyone how crazy I was in her native tongue. I’m pretty positive she was.)
#4. Wear actual panties!
Like cute ones. Ruffly, lacy, sexy panties that may or may not even cover my butt cheeks! Yup, I can wear those! I also don’t have to stand in a checkout line with Depends in my buggy (awkward!) And I’m super glad I don’t have to stop every time I cough or sneeze to check if it was pee or amniotic fluid or, even more embarrassing, take a trip to the ER for them to use the little paper to see which it is (cause there is nothing more awkward than thinking your water broke and being told, “Ma’am, you just peed on yourself. You can go home.” Not like I know or anything… moving on again…) And although those stretchy things they provide you at the hospital are awesome, like seriously awesome, and stuffing a pad the size of my entire body in said panties and sleeping on a puppy pad is also pretty awesome, ok that part’s not awesome, I am happy when I slide into a pair of tiny, barely there panties. Then I dance around my house and sing “I feel like a woman” at the top of my lungs! I may do it now just for good measure. (Admit it, you want to too.)
So rock on all of you fabulously adorable pregnant mommas with your cute little bumps and your little waddle walks (serious, y’all, so cute!) I’ll just be over here celebrating my season of non-pregnancy knowing that when I’m pregnant and you’re not, you can read this list for a little bit of comfort! Bring on the babies (and I’ll be over here drinking my margarita until whatever is in the water passes!)