I am one in four women who has lost a pregnancy.
I have unfortunately gone through this five times. Five. My first pregnancy in 2009 I was expecting twins and my water broke at 20 weeks. I gave birth to my stillborn babies two weeks later.
I was fortunate to have my son a little over a year later. Fast forward to 2015. After getting remarried, my husband and I immediately wanted to start a family. In the course of ten months, I had three first-trimester losses. All of these ordeals were heartbreaking and traumatic to say the least. Going through these losses was extremely challenging. Physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally challenging. It’s so unbelievably isolating in ways I never thought about until it happened to me. It truly affects every facet of your life.
Since we didn’t get past the 13-week threshold with the three early losses, we didn’t tell a tremendous number of people. So with my son now being six-years-old, we get asked constantly when he’s going to get a sibling, which is a pretty personal question. It’s easy to feel like you can’t express your thoughts, feelings, or even the fact that you were pregnant. In my case, it’s not that I’m ashamed or even unable to talk about it. One of the most difficult things is having to worry about if this is going to be a “learning experience” for the person with whom you’re having the conversation. Like pregnancy and parenting, loss also brings on a bevy of unsolicited advice, awkward condolences, and overall uncomfortable commentary. I’ve been told everything under the sun from to “You’re young; you can always try again” to “Maybe you just weren’t ready to be a mom.” Since I’ve been through this so many times, I actually tell people that “I’m sorry” is the best thing to say. My goal isn’t to be snarky or being a total Debbie Downer, but it’s a real thing that has happened in my life and I shouldn’t have to hide it.
I hate that it’s such a taboo subject to discuss. I’ve been surprised that by talking about my losses after they happen that so many women have gone through it and got through it. It’s this awful group you’re a part of, but knowing you aren’t alone keeps you hopeful. I’ll choose to stay hopeful.
Thank you for your courage to share your story. As, I know you personally, I truly can contest on how strong of a woman you are! I personally know how painful and iisolatng it is and how all-consuming it was for me and still four years later I still haven’t “”gotten over it”.
ISN’T that another one for the books!?! Some people don’t realize that pregnancy loss is not something you “get over”! All you can do is learn how to deal with it.
Then, you also have the ones that do not understand the anxiety and stress- some would call PTSD when trying to get pregnant again in the fear of going through that again.
Camille, I am so proud of you for facing your fears and to continue to try! I do think of you often and use your personal stories you have shared with me to evaluate my own situation. GIRL, I don’t know how you do it! You truly are a beautiful, strong woman!
I am fully aware of how much more rewarding it would be over the fear period; but somehow I continue to allow it to control me and the “What if Game” totally takes of my Physie and gives me total stage fright! I am sure others can relate.
Keeping praying, Keep writing and Keep smiling! Live-on Team Cancer (lol for others who may be reading-inside joke- Zodiac sign) and your 1 in 4 sister!
Thanks so much for reading Nicole!
I completely agree with you that it’s not something you just “get over”. It’s just finding your new normal. Even after all of this time I still get random triggers that put me back but it’s going to all be okay!
I think being scared is totally and that’s absolutely where I am right now.
I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this! 🙁
So sorry for all your losses. Praying for wisdom and understanding for you through this process and ultimately the day you look into that beautiful newborns eyes you bring home.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I look forward to that day also! 🙂
I always wondered what happened, and once I found out about your twins I felt so bad for you but did not feel it appropriate to reach out. I apologize for that. I apologies for your three other angel babies. Miscarriage is a wound that I don’t think ever truly heals. But what I do know now is that communities of support help that pain ebb from unbearable to the dull ache of acknowledgement. You will never forget those pregnancies nor the lives that were never given a chance to be lived. However you are stronger than the pain of the loss. Please never ever forget that. Take good care Camille.
Thank you so much for your words Jessica. I totally agree with the fact that its a “wound that never heals”. It’s just about pushing through and whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.
Thank you again!
My sweetheart, I am so proud of you. You are one of the most courageous women , that I have ever known. You are letting so many mothers know that they are not alone. Even with losses, you are will always be a mother. God bless you! I love you. Your mom.
Thanks Mom! 🙂
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