Pregnancy

The second trimester is a roller coaster of its own. At first, I couldn't feel the baby - or at least I couldn't decidedly tell my body's doing from baby's doing. I was so eager to feel the baby move, I would lie with my belly down in perfect silence and just pay attention to what was going on in there. No use. Until one day on week 16, I HAD TO eat curry, and that either made the baby very angry or very excited because as I was finishing a heavenly bowl of rice and red curry, I felt the first kick. Feeling the baby move was my lifeline because knowing baby was ok meant all the sleepiness, heartburn...

Two weeks before conception, for counting purposes, I was already "pregnant," but I had no idea that would be THE month. The first trimester begins with no warning. Armed with a 20 pack pregnancy test, we got our first positive on cycle day 29 (4 weeks, 1 day). What I felt fluctuated daily from 'bliss' to 'OH WOW THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING' to 'ok, what now?!' Even though I had read multiple articles and books, made charts and spreadsheets, I still felt like the floor had been removed from under my feet. I also somehow felt very calm. Pregnancy for me is a constant dichotomy between feeling completely frightened and deeply peaceful. At the same time. All the time. I...

As a first-time-mom and an expat, I have to admit I am sometimes oblivious to some social rules. For example: baby shower rules. My wonderful friend offered to throw me one. I honestly have no idea what the baby shower "rules" are in Brazil either ... Here is my take on it: Pregnancy is hard. Having a baby is hard. I'll take all the hugs and love and well-wishing people are willing to offer. I do think having a moment to celebrate this tiny alien kicking in my belly with friends and family is a nourishing event. So I am very happy about the whole thing. There's just one detail that gives me mild anxiety: the baby registry. What do...

October you will forever be dear to me. Your cool crisp air blowing with swirls of amber and gold, though underlying there will always be a tinge of blue. October is pregnancy loss month and ironically when the greatest loss of my life occurred. October 27th, 2017 never falls far from my memory. Even on my most joyful of days, I can feel the familiar hollow ache that none can fill. On a dark, rainy October night I held him for the first and last time. His perfect little frame quiet and still in peace. Before this night, I had no knowledge grief existed of this magnitude. I did not know the pain of this intensity. Some days I yearn...

Here I am, 39 weeks pregnant with a baby whom many people refer to as a rainbow baby, meaning baby after loss. For us, this pregnancy comes after two losses over the last two years. I suppose the term has been around for years by now, celebrating a baby after such difficult times. And I am all about celebrating. But I have been hesitant to do it through the use of that term. Full disclosure: In no way am I putting down anyone’s use of the term rainbow baby. However, these are just some very real feelings and emotions that I’ve been experiencing recently. There are so many emotions involved with a pregnancy after loss. No longer is it nine months...